How to Lose Your Leaves and Survive the Winter

Notation 2

Mixed media collage

Painted rice paper, graphite, cold

wax on archival paper

Image size: 2.5" x 3.5"

:: reminds me of winter aspens

These little notations keep me honest. They are somewhat compulsive as I need to make things -- almost addictively. Sometimes, I have to force myself to post them them as I recognize that they are perhaps, not great art. That's okay.

Over the years, I've worked hard to make good paintings, market them professionally, get that pat on the head through sales and increasing recognition. That has happened and I am delighted -- but I lost something of myself along the way.

Did you know that I have quite the wicked (raunchy at times) sense of humor? No? Did you know that I'm almost paralyzed by shyness and fear of rejection at art shows and it takes every ounce of my being to show up at one? No? Does anyone know how passionate I am about tiny poetry; making the perfect borscht; snow? The answer will be, almost universally, no. Why?

It's my fault. I became too entangled in worrying about how professional/accomplished/calm, cool and collected/perfectperfectperfect I appeared to my art peers and I forgot to be me. All marketing facade, very little of Nicole (except in the paintings themselves). I wanted to be accepted, liked, respected for my professionalism. Bleh. Those are fine things to attain, but not at the expense of who I am...not to just fit in. The cost of that pursuit made me less authentically ME! Enough.

That's why these little collage experiments and other works on paper I've been doing recently are so important. I can't be too precious about them, but more importantly, I can't be too precious about me. What a relief.

Like the aspens that surround me here in Colorado, I've shed leaves down to bare branches and intend to survive the winter.